I've been stopping myself from doing the things I love

Thursday, 4 August 2016

Today, let's mark this date. I've realised what's been holding me back from releasing my creativity to the world.

1. I know what I want to do but I don't know where to begin.

2. I'm afraid that the way I do it, won't be the best way.

3. If I create something, I feel embarrassed to show it. I'll only reveal it if there's a gun pointing to my skull.

Funny thing about the last statement is that I was too afraid to admit that. I'm the first person to announce my opinion and not give two birdy poops about it. In regards to my creativity, or something I've been working on quite hard - I'm reluctant to show anyone. I don't care if someone likes what I'm doing, because there's a number of things that I know I don't like. I genuinely feel embarrassed to show someone my hard work or what I truly love. Like they will see a different side to me.

It's ironic (well I'm not sure if it really is ironic, still at 21 I'm struggling with irony) but if someone tells me that they feel lazy to create something, I'd push them out of that slum! Finding so many ways to motivate them: sending inspiring YouTube vids, handing over mindful books, and telling them that they are great at what they do.
 If someone tells me they think that their work isn't good enough, and they're fearful to do anything because others are better; I'd say "yeah, it's probably been done before, and it probably will be done again - but you haven't done it yet. How do you know that you won't be the best?"
 I've got a great example of this below*

So why am I not taking on my own advice?

Do I need someone else to tell me this? No, don't think I do. I know it, so I don't need someone else to tell me.

I need to read over Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic, if you want a glance of what the book entails watch:

Elizabeth Gilbert & Marie Forleo on Fear, Authenticity and Big Magic

Sometimes  A lot of the times I need a push. 

And this post right here will push me, get me outta that funk, reveal what my fears are so now there's nothing to hide. Now I can get on with what I want to do.

My question of the month:

Who are you living your life for?

Stop worrying about what others will think of your work, they may love it or hate it. Why does that matter to you? It's much more important that YOU love it and it's what YOU will keep on doing.

*I gave my friend an example of this. How many rom-coms have you seen where: boy meets girl, girl meets boy. Boy hates girl. Girl hates boy. Something strange or catastrophic happens. Boy loves girl. Girl loves boy.

I'm coming up with a list of rom-com films. Some (I'm guilty to say) I love and others I despise. Hollywood keep on making these and won't stop. Why? Because there's a writer out there who hasn't written there own version of it yet.

Giving the sun the cold shoulder

Thursday, 21 July 2016

I'm constantly scrolling down my Instagram. Why do all my friends decide to go on holiday at the same time? Is there a secret whatsapp group that they've created to plan how to make me feel super jealous? I think so, I truly think so.

BUT no woes, because the sun is super shining and I'm sweating buckets without being in Spanish heat.

I'm normally the one to wear shorts and a crop top when it's pretty hot. However, now I've turned 21 which is legally an adult, I thought to wear something more sophisticated. Not because I have to, but let's experiment.

The dress is from Primark, handbag from H&M and shoes from Missguided.

The dress made me feel like I should be on a gondola in Venice, or walking by the coast of Cannes. Because of it's off-the-shoulder and midi length style, I didn't feel too hot and bothered walking around. The perfect attire for summer when you've had enough of the denim shorts riding up you all day long.


A spring into summer at Mersea Island, Essex

Tuesday, 12 July 2016

Today feels like my first day of summer. The weather is saying that it refuses to get any higher than 24 degrees and the wind is holding onto its arctic flow. 

It feels like the first day of summer because now I have finished my internship and I'm ready for summer! 

I'm ready to feel carefree and not knowing what my plans will be tomorrow. I'll spend my summer waking up around 10/11am, continuously scrolling Instagram (who else is bothered by the annoying time feed?), reading magazines in my garden and painting my toe nails to match the flowers, seeing friends and drinking fruity ciders, visiting remote seasides with my boyfriend and also... blogging!  

I'll find a part-time job to fund my excursions. But generally I really want to make this summer relaxing. Not to fret over money or university or if I'm showing enough fun things on my Snapchat story. Because I know that hard work and determination will consume and dominate me during my final year at university. 

So, let's get onto my afternoon at Mersea Island, Essex. 

It was around this time last year I went for the first time. I had no idea that Essex retain many islands. Northey Island, Canvey Island and on the top of my list, Osea Island. 

Mersea Island, located below Colchester is famous for fishing, especially the fresh and gigantic oysters, and boating. The main access to get to the island is via the causeway, and if this causeway is flooded during high tide, you're stranded. But that wouldn't be a problem because you wouldn't want to leave anyway. 

It took us 40 minutes to drive to Mersea Island from Maldon. It felt like 15 minutes because it was such a chilled out ride, no traffic lights or congestion. Only fields and beautiful houses along the path.

I've become obsessed with little towns, maybe it's to do with the fact that I live in the biggest city in the UK, that any location with a few houses and shops bewilders me. I've become terribly compelled to them recently that I try to picture myself living in a remote area. Lately (definitely after working full-time in the hectic Oxford Circus) I've been searching for peace. There are so many beautiful towns in Essex YOU need to see!

Proud supporter of Wales making it to the semi-finals

After parking the car in the exact same place we did last year, without a second thought we went back to West Mersea Oyster Bar. The smell of the salty sea water, mixed with vinegar was my favourite aroma of the day.

Sorry if the gorgeous plate of traditional fish (cod) and chips with a side of mushy peas makes you hungry! 

My boyfriend ordered the oysters, all for himself. I vowed that I won't try oysters again after my second attempt. I'm a fan of gross and unusual looking food. However oysters left me teary eyed and retching. 

West Mersea Oyster Bar is THE spot for generous servings of fresh and hearty seafood. My boyfriend and I have awarded this place as the mecca for thick cut chips. Fluffy on the inside, with a crunchy fried coating. 

It's not the prettiest beach you'll come across, but it has to be the calmest. A handful of people know about this pearl. It feels as if it's your private island. Beyond you can see Bradwell Power Station and bobbing boats. 

Never ask a boy if they are good at skimming stones. Or else you'll be standing there for 20 minutes going 'ahh that was a good one!'

I tried to get a quick outfit post, however - the wind argued against it. 

My second time was just as good as my first. I think I'd come back here on the hottest day of summer. With a cool cool beverage and a dish of chips. Sprawl out a blanket and close my eyes. It made me realise, I don't need to be on a Greek island or at a prettier seaside town. As long as I have the sea close to me, I feel happy. 


DATE NIGHT / Boozy Brunching at Bourne & Hollingsworth

Wednesday, 22 June 2016

Looking for a Instagrammable, not out-of-the-budget, unwinding brunch? That involves knocking back bottomless bellinis? 

I won't wait for your reply because I know it's a "YAS"

Every occasion, whether its a normal date night, birthday, Valentine's Day or our anniversary, my boyfriend and I scan our 'places we MUST go to' list to see where it'll take us next. It's jammed packed, with niche bars to food trucks and even holiday spots. 

A boozy brunch was on the top of the list. 

For just £18 you can experience all-you-can-drink Bellinis and Bloody Mary's. That's the price of just two drinks! 

Let me stop bragging about alcohol and mention how delicious the food was. 

I'm that kind of loser who loves brunch but hates eggs. Yeah I said it, I despise eggs. But I like the look of them on a plate with smoked salmon. Don't judge - I'm not a fussy eater! I'm a foodie that loves pretty much everything apart from eggs. Even peanut butter (my childhood enemy) is growing on me. 

I went for the burger. The waiter said it was a good choice. And he meant it. And he was perfectly right. 

The colossal burger made wonder how can THAT fit in my gob. Somehow it did, but I wasn't overly surprised. 

After finishing my meal, I had a "lemme try to breathe without exploding my food out" moment. 

I swiveled in my chair taking in how airy and green the restaurant was. Nothing like other places I've been to. It felt like I was in a conservatory or a drawing room in a tropical country. I had a woven wooden fan spinning above my head. Sitting on vintage and cushiony seats. Don't tell me I have to leave. 

The funniest part of the meal was when my boyfriend shoved his glass to the edge of the table, he said, "it's just to let them know I've finished my glass and I'm ready for a top up" 

The waiters didn't need that memo. They came rushing to our side whenever we slurped the last drip. Leaving out that awkwardness of us being eager for more. 

Overall, it was a lovely lovely date. I'd recommend it for a girlfriend brunch or celebrating a birthday or anniversary. 

It's a restaurant that has dived straight out of Pinterest home inspo. 


We're half way through the year...

Thursday, 2 June 2016

And what could I say about 2016?
I really had a feeling it would start with a bang. I had a pocket full of aspirations and achievements in 2016.

People say that New Year Resolutions can be damaging. Most promises that we make for ourselves are broken or haven't seen daylight in these six months.

As this blog explores my pure honesty, shamelessly I'll state what my resolutions were and if I accomplished them.



I can admit that I have taken it more seriously, and I've seen the great benefits of it. However, have I done as many blog posts as I thought I would? Nope. Definitely not. It's a shame, because I knew a "blogger's block" (not yet a writer, so let's stick with blogger) would cover my motivation. I got in a habit of getting home from my internship, then eat, then watch tv, then do anything else on my to-do list that's not blogging, and then bedtime.

I've learnt that spending 8 hours in an office, followed by a much tighter schedule of free-time before bed-time... is hard. Within my free-time I didn't want to use my brain. I wanted to do mind numbing activities to get me prepared before another day.

Not only that, but I can be pretty stubborn. A trait that is getting worse with age.

When someone tells me to blog. I won't do it. I would say "yeahhh, lemme pick up my laptop and get writing!" but truthfully I'm picking up my laptop to start binge watching the Walking Dead. No regrets.

My resistance to blog a lot more is because ever since I was 15, blogging was my creative outlet. Not to get attention or followers. It was a way of expressing myself when I was in the mood. Posts may be sporadic, but they had great value to them. I know that recently I have put up posts just because it would increase my views. And when I am told to blog more more and more, it loses the respect of why I blog in the first place. I blog because I want to.

Yes, I get it. We all wanna be full-time bloggers because we love it so much. But right at this moment I'm seeing posts that I think are so uninspiring and 'done before'. We're too obsessed with getting noticed and forgetting about our content.



I've realised that HIIT workouts are my thing. Quick but intense gets my endorphins bumping and jumping. I haven't really done much exercising lately, as the event that I was staying trim for has gone now. So back to my best friend called 'carbs'.



I completely forgot this was on my list, and I'm glad it was on there because this time I've done it! During my delay commute to work, instead of staring into the sleepy eyes of other commuters I pull out my book. I'm starting George Orwell's 1984 (a classic, I know, I'm a literature student who hasn't read it). I've read Andrea Levy's Long Song, and Ruth Soukup's How To Blog For Profit: Without Selling Your Soul. I got halfway, ok, it's more of a quarter, through Anthony Burgess's A Clockwork Orange, but it didn't grip me. Maybe the peculiar vocab is too much to grasp on in the morning and when I'm tired after work? But it is strangely fascinating, and someday I'll finish it. Maybe later in the summer.



Yeahhhh, I was obsessed with it. But now I've lost it. One day it'll come back. I definitely have tried to be more mindful in general, now that I know what mindfulness is. So maybe I'm not in urgent need of meditation.



Very sad to say but I haven't picked up my ukulele in a while. So nope to that resolutions, but maybe in the future.

So that's basically it in my six months of 2016. Stuck with promises, and broken them. C'est la vie!
I'm glad to have this reflection as now I'm able to revalue and switch it all up!


A Saturday In Portobello Market

Monday, 23 May 2016

You spend your weekdays looking out of the office window. The sun beaming on your shiny forehead makes you long for the weekend. You can almost taste the sunshine in your cup of coffee.

Cue to Saturday morning. You arise to a late morning start, draw open your curtains to say HELLO WONDERFUL WEEKEND, but you're greeted with grey clouds. 

Thank you universe. Love you back.

Normally miserable weekends entice me to spend the day in my make-shift duvet cocoon. But as much as that past-time showers me with joy, I felt like I can't waste this Saturday.

Portobello (or Portabella if you're cockney) has to be my favourite market. The clothes and jewellery aren't up to its standard as it was in my teenage years (or maybe my style has changed), but the food keeps on excelling. 

The Acklam Village section of the world-famous market accommodates tastes from around the world. From Namibia to Portugal, this street food haven doesn't come with a side of hipster sauce. It's all about the food. 

My boyfriend and I had to walk up and down three times until we decided what to have as a starter. Yeah, I said it. A starter. Who organises their meals at food markets? We do. Because when you've stuffed yourself on a Vietnamese dish, then wished you tried the gourmet chorizo and cheese toastie but your stomach and wallet are weeping for 'no more', who messed up big time? We strategically choose what meals we fancied and could share.

We started off with the fancy fries; hand cut chips, with cheddar cheese and a 'Portobello sauce' (mustard, onions and secret herbs).

Next up I had a chicken katsu curry sushi hand roll. A mouthful to say and to eat. My boyfriend had a colossal Argentinian burger.

My highlight of the day was the food, but also had an amazing encounter of hearing a street sax-man perform Hotline Bling in a smooth jazz rendition. He got the whole crowd dancing and throwing in a pound or two into his sax case.

Have any of you been to Portobello? If so, what do you love the most about it?